Emails = Excitement

   Okay, this morning I got an Email from Entanlged publishing:

Dear Ashley,

Thank you for querying Entangled Publishing. While we liked your idea, I'm afraid those all-important first pages didn’t grab us as much as we’d hoped. Some of your dialogue seemed a bit stilted, and maybe you could steer clear of using dialogue as exposition. When a parent says “Mr Jack, one of your school teachers,” it flags that you are using dialogue to impart knowledge to the reader, rather than write realistic dialogue. A real parent wouldn’t have to tell their kid that Mr Jack is one of their school teachers, because they would already know that :)

Having said that, publishing is a very subjective business, so while (title of my novel) is not a good fit for us, it may be perfect for another editor. Best of luck finding the right home for your manuscript, and may there be many successes in your career!

Best wishes,

Sue Winegardner
Assistant Editor for Senior Editor, Heather Howland
Entangled Publishing
http://www.entangledpublishing.com/


   So I sent back that I was thinking . . . oh I'll just post it.


   Thank you for the tip :) I really appreciate it. I was thinking of rewriting this novel, it was my first novel after all and I know it will need a bit of touching up as far as the writing and emotions. But I wanted to get a response from your company before I made my decision. Would you be interested in taking another look at it sometime next year?
--
Ashley


   And I checked my Email about 10 minutes ago and saw that she had replied.


Sure we would :)

From your query, I would think that the life changing event for your main character would be that teenagers are disappearing from her school. All the bits before (background, set up etc) are probably unnecessary, and the important bits can be woven into the story. For example, all of the exposition you put up front could be condensed into something like, (cannot show. My book is copyrighted but don't want to give ANYTHING away)  The rest of the information (is her best friend a witch etc) can be woven in to give depth.  Just a suggestion :)

Before you start you re-write, I strongly recommend getting your hands on a book called Save The Cat (it’s a paperback and ebook on Amazon and B&N). It’s a fast, fun read and will give you hints on where to start the story and how to plot a really compelling story. I use it all the time. It’s designed for screenwriters, but all the lessons apply to novel writers too. 

Good luck with the editing (and dialogue ;-) ) and we look forward to seeing it again next year!

Sue Winegardner
Assistant Editor for Senior Editor, Heather Howland
Entangled Publishing

   I'm totally excited! Though I am working on writing my 5th novel now I will be reading the book she suggested as soon as possible. I hope to be finished reading it by the time I complete my 5th novel, so then I can immediately get started on rewriting my first novel. Just wanted to share! :) thanks for reading and (maybe) sharing my excitement!
   If you look at her signature you will see her info. Website, and name, and who she works for. I highly recommend you trying her out with your query letter! She writes long Emails herself (I say this because a lot of people send the same Emails to the people they want to reject) and they are long and helpful!
   Good luck on your journey!
  
   PLEASE COMMENT! <3

                                                                             --
                                                                              Ashley :)